It’s 7:40 a.m. and I am driving south on Haddonfield Road. As I pass the Cherry Hill Mall, I get caught by two red lights, despite the fact that the mall is closed and there is no cross traffic whatsoever. So there is a line of cars sitting, idling, wasting gas, for absolutely no reason except that for some reason we do not have the money to fund an intelligent traffic control system. However, we do have the money to burn gasoline while uselessly idling.

Multiply this by millions of traffic lights in this country, and you get an idea of the amount of gas we waste every day. The irony is, addressing this by improving traffic flow would hardly be a painful solution. On the contrary, it would make everyone’s commute faster. Seems like a win-win situation, especially in view of the fact that dependence on foreign oil is hardly a good thing, right?

The problem is … every time I hit these lights I repeat this same argument in my head. And despite how forcefully or brilliantly I argue the point to myself (I try to keep my lips from moving while I am in the car) the light steadfastly refuses to turn green any time sooner.

It has taken 53 years for this fact of life to sink in. Most of the running commentary in my mind is useless. Now I can certainly write my representative, my local newspaper, or join a conservation group, and take some action. But most of the energy I spend grousing over this matter is purely wasted.

So why don’t I do these things, take some action, but when I am not in control of my immediate situation, learn how to just let it go?

Sometimes when I am in traffic, I picture a long line of ants doing … well … whatever it is ants do. And I picture one of those ants grousing about how slow the ant in front of him is, and why are they building this ant hill anyway, and did you see how that one ant cut him off. The image is so absurd. How self-important that ant is, considering how powerless he is. Of course, I am that ant. That image always brings a smile to my face and I relax.

It all comes down to the serenity prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

When people ask me “How long have you been doing massage?” and find out that, at age 53, I will just be graduating from the massage program at Lourdes this month, they usually ask what I did before, and why I decided in mid-life, to change careers.

I used to be a project manager for a secondary publisher with many research-based databases as well as Web-based search engines to access this database. It was no secret that the company was trying to cut costs…all companies are, and “human” resources are particularly expensive. So we all knew that we were all looked at as being a necessary expense, a drain on the company’s profits. One day, in a meeting, we were trying to determine which of our programming managers would be able to take on a project. Someone said: “John’s area would be the logical place for it, but he doesn’t have the bandwidth.” At first I thought they were talking about computer resources, but as the topic was discussed, it became clear that the word “bandwidth” was the new buzzword for “people.”

How convenient, I thought. I could picture the next company layoff, and the announcement which would refer to a “reallocation” in “bandwidth” to some third-world country where they could pay employees a fifth of what they paid us. It seemed as though the company no longer even pretended to care about its employees. That certainly wasn’t the only reason I decided, after 23 years with that company, to quit, but it does symbolize what I think is the ongoing devaluation of the human factor in today’s competitive business world.

When someone asks me why I ditched a corporate career to do massage, I sometimes go on and on about how satisfying the human contact is, or what a blessing it is to be entering a field where the primary purpose is to make people feel better. Other times, I give the short answer, “Well, at least you can’t outsource massage…”

In spring of 2006, having completed my Therapeutic Swedish Massage course at Lourdes, I started my student clinic hours at the Lourdes facility on Collingswood, and also started offering my friends and acquaintances free massages so that I could get more practice and experience different body types as well as people with different specific complaints.

At the same time my instructor encouraged us to work on as many friends as possible, and in fact, we had many homework assignments that consisted of giving friends massages. When I would mention to someone that I was studying massage, more often than not he or she would say: “Well if you ever need a guinea pig….”

So, I had no problem finding people to work on, right? Well… not always. When the time came to actually schedule people, I started to hear “Well, I really do want you to work on me but I need to get to the gym first”. “I would love to but no way am I gonna let you see my fat thighs”. One of my friends is battling cancer and mentioned a number of times how he wanted me to work on him sometime, but I sensed reluctance whenever I replied “Ok, when?” One day he acknowledged that his cancer, as well as other health problems, had caused muscle atrophy in both legs as well as large tumors on his right leg, and that he was very embarrassed for anyone to see this. Medically, he was cleared for massage, and was in-between chemotherapy treatments. Massage would clearly be beneficial in releasing the toxins that had built up in his muscles due to ongoing chemo, not to mention relieving the enormous amount of stress he was under. Despite all this, his shame over his body stood in the way of him availing himself to a very pleasant and healthful experience. (I’m happy to say he overcame that fear and I will discuss my first experience of giving a massage to someone battling a life threatening illness in a future essay).

Then I started to have a friend work on a promotional brochure for me and he began to look for images of people getting massages. When he showed me a rough draft of the brochure, I complained that every picture he used was of a young beautiful model. In response, he said he was having trouble finding any images of overweight, or older people getting massaged. I started looking and had the same experience.

Let me say that only about 5% of the people I have worked on look anything like models. Being middle-aged myself, I seem to attract older clients, and most of the men and women I work on have bellies, and body parts that jiggle and sag! I have had clients who weigh as much as 300 pounds, as well as one client who weighed less than100 pounds. However, these people have sought out massage DESPITE the implied message that much of the massage world has been giving them. Which is: massage is for the young and beautiful only. Fat people need not apply.

Many of us hate our bodies. We notice them only when they rebel, and cause pain or discomfort. We don’t notice them or appreciate them when they are working properly, (even when we have been abusing or neglecting them). In addition, the older we get the more we benefit from massage. Those of us who are inactive need stretching and movement, not to mention the improved circulation that comes with massage.

Yet we don’t avail ourselves of something that is not only beneficial, but extremely enjoyable. I believe it is because our desire for health and comfort is outweighed (excuse the pun) by our fear of being judged. So it does boil down to being a trust issue.

I’ll talk about trust in a future essay. It is a central issue when working with clients. There are many things a therapist can due to foster trust, but for those clients who struggle with self-acceptance, it sometimes requires a leap of faith and a bit of risk taking.

Your comments or questions are most welcome!